Sunday, February 7, 2010

After Mike quit going to church, I felt betrayed.  He knew that I wanted to be married to a man who shared my faith.  He came to church with me and inserted himself into that part of my life.  He had been baptized, volunteered in church activities,and gave me sweet taste of what it would be like to share this important part of my life with the man I loved and the father of my child.  Then, he took it away. 

So, what was I supposed to do now?  I talked to a nice woman I met at church.  I had noticed that she always came alone, sat alone, and left alone.  She also had a ring on her finger so she was or had been married.  When we talked, I asked her about her husband.  It was a little forward of me but she was kind enough to share part of her story.  She said that she had married young, before she really knew anything.  Her husband had never really wanted to go to church and only went a few times after they got married.  This woman, I'll call her Tammy, said that she was so depressed after her husband quit going to church with her that she also quit.  She stayed away from church for 5 years.  She and her husband had three children and she thought everything was fine, but at times, she felt like something was missing despite her happiness with her life and her children.  One day, she realized that her children didn't have any knowledge of God.  She tried to come back to church but her family was used to doing other things on Sunday's and her husband didn't support her efforts to bring the children.  Tammy gave up trying to go to church but came back after her children were grown.  She was sad because they continued to live their lives without God.

AFter speaking with Tammy, I was even more determined to make sure that my daughter would have a firm foundation by bringing her to church.  It was so hard sometimes.  There were so many mornings when I was tired and it was chore to get myself ready and get her ready.  I did talk to Mike and I told him how important it was to me to do this but I needed his support.  I agreed not to nag him, at least not too much, as long as he would support my efforts to raise our daughter with a foundation in church, knowledge of God and Jesus.  Mike said that he didn't know if he believed that Jesus was the only way.  As far as I was concerned, that was a leap of faith that he would need to make.  As far as our daughter was concerned, she would be raised with my faith.  I was adamant about this.  Mike didn't know what he believed and I didn't want our daughter to be a willow in the wind, trying this religion or that religion because she didn't have anything to used as a measuring stick.  Jesus was going to be the measuring stick that I could give her.  Mike finally agreed to support me, mostly I think because I didn't let it go.  I am so thankful for his support because I needed it when my oldest daughter became a teenager and wanted to quit going to church.  But, that's another tale.  Still, I had to deal with my feelings of anger and disappointment.  I will write about that next Sunday.  If you are facing the prospect of going to church alone or staying home, I urge you to go.  It is hard and sometimes lonely, but know that you are not alone.  There are others who are experiencing those same feelings.  When you feel the urge to connect with God, know that He is there waiting for you.  When you walk into His church, He is there, waiting just for you.


I will continue my story with a new post next Sunday. If you would like to leave a comment, I would love to hear from me. Share your thoughts, a story, an insight, or anything else. Select the comment link below the post.

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Reality Check

Mike and I continued to go to church after our 'official' visit from the church elders.  We knew that our hearts were in the right place and we really enjoyed being in church.  We did cross the 'line' two weeks before we were married and while that wasn't the best choice to make, there are worse choices we could have made.  We were in church the morning after the ceremony (we didn't have a honeymoon.  I was still in the Army and he was new at his job).  The good folks at the church were kind hearted and accepted us with smiles and good wishes after the wedding.  Things seemed to be going along really great.  We had each other, we had good friends, and we shared a love of God and an enjoyment of serving in the church together.  Then, we decided to have a baby.  That seems like a natural next step for a young couple.  We were happy about this decision, my family was happy, and Mike's dad was happy.  I loved being pregnant and we both eagerly anticipated the arrival of our child.  The next thing I knew, Mike started saying that he didn't 'feel' like going to church.  He started missing more and more services.  I have to say that prior to Mike, I was a very closed person.  To some extent, I still am, but he taught me to share my thoughts and feelings.  So imagine my surprise and frustration when he shut down and refused to talk to me about his thoughts and feelings about church.  He wouldn't tell me if something happened to cause doubt, or if his feelings got hurt somehow.  I asked him if loved God and he said he didn't know.  I asked him if loved and believed in Jesus and he said he didn't know.  The one question I was scared to ask was if it had all been an act.  If it was, what did that say about me?  Was I really that bad at discovering the truth of his heart or did I just wear blinders and see only what I wanted to see?
Mike's decision to stop going to church left me angry, confused, and fearful.  I was newly married, pregnant, and I didn't know if I wanted this marriage.  It wasn't the marriage I had dreamed about.  That marriage contained a man who was faithful to serving God.  That marriage didn't contain a man who shut down and wouldn't tell me why a change happened.  What was I supposed to do now?  I certainly didn't know what to do with my feelings.  They started to consume me.  One fear I had was what would happen to my child if I died?  I asked Mike if he would make sure that the baby would go to church, even if that meant living by my parents and letting my mom take him/her to church.  Mike said that he couldn't make that promise to me.  If he couldn't even do that for me, it made me wonder just who in the world I was married to.  Did I even know this person?  Now Mike was looking forward to being a father and his joy in the impending birth was pretty evident.  But I was still filled with disappointment and anger.  By this point, I was going to church alone, again.  I didn't even have the joy of spending Sunday afternoon's at Scott and Rachel's apartment because they had moved to Germany.  I still loved hearing the message and hope of God's word, but the joy of sitting in church just wasn't there. 
I found myself watching the couple's and being envious of the women who were able to sit there and lean into their husband's side and enjoy the comfort of having his arm placed around their shoulder.  I started watching the men who picked up a child from children's church and it hit me; my child would not have a father who shared in this journey, no father to pick him/her up after church and listen to chatter about lessons learned.  I started being resentful that I and my child wouldn't have the joy of a complete family unit that shared the love and service of God together. 
I started praying to God with one specific prayer.  Please let me live long enough to raise this child to adulthood so that I could ensure that this child would know Him.  I told God that I would be faithful in taking this child to church and teaching this child to love and honor Him but I needed His blessing with life and health.  This became my number one way of serving God.  I didn't ask God for long life after raising my child, I just wanted to make sure that I was around to do the raising.
The day after my awesome daughter was born, the pastor came to see her.  He said something that makes me shake my head to this day.  He said, "Well she looks like a normal baby.  If her head wasn't smashed because of the birth process she would be cute.  We didn't know what to expect."  I couldn't believe it.  What did those 'kind folks' at the church expect?  A child that came with stripes because Mike and I were different races?  Maybe they expected something worse, like a strange looking monster or something.  I am still amazed at the ignorance and insensitivity that was displayed.  I asked Mike if someone said something like that to him and that is why he stopped going to church.  To this day, he hasn't opened up and shared but I suspect that he overheard comments from these not so enlightened individuals.

I will continue my story with a new post next Sunday.  If you would like to leave a comment, I would love to hear from me.  Share your thoughts, a story, an insight, or anything else.  Select the comment link below the post.

Questions from todays post:
1.  What should we expect from other people in church?
2.  Should we have higher expectations of people in church?
3.  What do we do with anger and disappointment?  How do you handle those feelings?

Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Dating and Church

While Mike and I continued dating, my ties to the church I was attending became stronger.  I started going to the potlucks, even though I am terrible at small talk, and I volunteered to teach vaction bible school.  I was really enjoying my times at the church and I was learning that to truly serve God, it couldn't be just something I did on Sunday.  Mike was also becoming more involved.  We started attending a bible study class together and he was baptized that summer.  He was positively glowing with radience in his new found joy.  Mike was also eagerly attending worship services and he was a volunteer for some of the Sunday morning duties.  My dreams and prayers were bearing fruit.  I couldn't believe that I could be so lucky.  I couldn't believe how great God was to send this wonderful man into my life and have him accept Christ also.  There was no turning back for me.  I knew that God had answered my prayers.  In my imagination, I saw Mike and I attending church on Sunday's with the beautiful children we would have.  I saw myself sitting there with his arm around me as we sang songs together, growing old in the service of the Lord, together.  Wow.  Those were the dreams of my youth.

Now, I didn't mention our living arrangements.  At the time, we were living in seperate apartments.  My roommate moved out, leaving me to cover the rent on my own.  Mike's roommates were reassigned and since the lease was in their names, he ended up without a place to live.  My parents had already met him and fell in love with.  My mom was terrified at the thought that I was living alone (I think she was afraid of the big, bad, wolf).  I lived in a two bedroom apartment, so my mom mentioned that perhaps Mike could move into the empty bedroom and pay half the rent (not to mention keeping away the big bad wolf).  I am blessed that she trusted me enough to make that suggestion.  So, Mike moved into the other bedroom and I have to brag, we were good, no sharing the same room (hint, hint).

Now, the good folks at the church, they didn't know me like my mom did and they were just starting to get to know Mike.  So one night, the pastor and one or two elders came over for coffee and kindly laid out their concerns.  They said, "where there's smoke, there's fire".  Now we knew that we hadn't gone too far, but apparently, that concern was enough to make a lot of people uncomfortable.  Vaction Bible SChool was over but Mike and I stopped attending the bible study and we only went to morning worship services.  People were less than friendly and our comfort level dropped a great deal.  Noone except a few older people said anything to our faces, but their looks spoke volumes. 

Mike had proposed to me prior to the 'official visit' and we even let our visitors know about our impending marriage, but that wasn't good enough.  I knew that living together wasn't what God wanted for me and so it was marriage or nothing.  What to do?

Here are some questions I should have thought about.  Maybe they will help you if you are dating:

1.  What does it mean to serve God?
2.  Is serving God different from following God?
3.  When should God be served, thought about, actively followed?
4.  What does that look like?  What does it feel like?
5.  Did you feel anything when you decided to follow God?  Jesus?
6.  How do you know it was real?  What happens if it (that feeling) doesn't last?
7.  How can you know for sure that you have a lasting faith?
8.  How does following God fit with your life style?

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Dating

Mike and I came from two different worlds.  Mike was raised in a Catholic home and he was given the choice to quit going to church when he reached the age of sixteen.  I was raised in a home where my mom encouraged church attendance every week no matter how old we were (me and my siblings).  My brothers stopped going to church when they became teenagers.  My father didn't attend very often and it seemed that they were merely following in his footsteps.  My sister and I usually went to church with my mom.  I remember that we would stop for ice cream after services and that made Sunday's something to look forward to.  My mom only bought this treat for those who went to church.  Yep.  I loved ice cream then and I still love it today.  So, back to my story.

Since I knew that I wanted to marry someone who would share my faith, I tried really hard to keep Mike in one part of my life and my faith in another part of my life.  That plan didn't work because he kept showing up on Sunday's, my day for God.  He started coming to Sunday morning services and staying with me in the afternoons while I hung out at Scott and Rachel's apartment.  Meanwhile, our friends were giving their own opinions on the current state of our relationship.

Mike's friends were pretty ticked off because he wasn't drinking as much and he wasn't hanging out with them and partying like he used to.  They kept saying that we were never going to last because he would end up missing the parties.

My friends kept saying that Mike would 'ruin' me and end up making me start drinking and going to parties. 

Then there were the opinions of our families.  I haven't mentioned the fact that our relationship was also complicated because Mike is Hispanic and Polish and I come from an African-American family.  Not only did we come into the relationship with different views on religion, we also had people looking at us because we were an inter-racial couple.  My family loved Mike when they met him and they still love him.  Mike's dad (a big, loveable Polish man) accepted me right away and became one of my best friends.  He passed away two years ago and I miss him dearly.  Not everyone was happy about our dating and the direction we were heading.  At one point, we talked about whether or not we should continue our relationship.  I was willing to walk away if it meant that Mike would lose his relationship with his mom or brothers.  He wasn't willing to walk away.  So, we continued dating.

Some questions to consider:

1.  Should different views on religion and faith be discussed during the dating phase of a relationship?

2.  How much influence should friends and family have on the choice of a dating partnership/spouse?

3.  Should differences in faith have an impact on a future relationship?

4.  Do people really change the views they acquired in childhood?

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

From Casual Christian to Committed Follower of Jesus

Like many people, I accepted Jesus when I was very young.  Having spent most of my life going to church, I was very comfortable with church, the activities to be found in church, and the structure of church.  I also enjoyed going to church on Sunday mornings. 

As a young adult I found myself treating my faith as something that I would 'do' when it fit my schedule or involved something that I had a current interest in.  I also had no problem with skipping church just because.

After joining the Army, I found myself leaving church behind.  It didn't fit my lifestyle or interests.  Then, there was the excuse of not being at home so that I could go to the church that I was used to going to.  When I was younger, I had attended many chapels on various military bases when my dad was in the military.  Now that it was my turn to serve, it just didn't feel the same when I walked into the military chapel.  I don't know what I was looking for, but I just wasn't finding it.

I had a really good friend that I worked with at the time, Scott, who invited me to attend church with him and his wife, Rachel.  I took them up on their offer and started attending a local church in El Paso, Texas.  We would go to a service in the morning and then I would hang out at their apartment in the afternoon for lunch and fun.  They were really good friends.

Going to church with Scott and Rachel was a great way to get back into the groove of church and it reminded me of the things I enjoyed.  Mainly, some fellowship and great messages.  Scott would always say, " Know where you're going and turn neither to the left nor the right."  That was some good advice.

Now, Mike and I also worked together at William Beaumont Army Medical Center.  I was a discharge planner for a while and then I ended up taking over Mike's caseload.  He did child abuse investigations.  So, we started spending a lot of time together as a result of working together and talking about cases together.  He offered to do the driving when I wanted to take my sister skiing for her birthday.  Another time, I ended up having guard duty, which is a duty where I had to stay awake all night.  Mike was on his way out of the Army and had been taken off the duty roster.  But, low and behold, he ended up having duty with me.  We talked all night.

Now, a church called Potter's House had been having meetings on base for a while and I had started attending some of those meetings.  During one of them, on Feb. 19th, 1986, I decided that I was going to follow Jesus, to the best of my ability.  I knew that from now on, following Jesus meant doing things for His glory, not just how things made me feel.  Following Jesus was not going to be something I did just when it fit my schedule or interests.  I also knew that this time, my decision was for life, for me and any children I would have in the future.  Not only did I want to follow Jesus, I wanted a spouse who would share this dedication with me.  I prayed for such a spouse.

Then, there was Mike and all the time I was spending with him.  He was definitely a distraction in my decision to seek a fellow believer as a spouse.  I don't remember if I prayed that God's will be done or if I prayed that God would bless my attraction to Mike. 

In an effort to stay true to my decision to really and truly follow Christ, I remember telling Mike that we could be friends and that I would go out with him, but that was all.  He was fun to be around.  He made me laugh and he was so thoughtful.  I know that I wanted to have my cake and eat it, too.

So, I thought I had everything under control.  Then one Sunday after church, Mike showed up at Scott and Rachel's apartment.  He knew I went there on Sunday's after church.  You could have knocked me over with a feather when he showed up. 

Not only did he show up once, he kept showing up and we kept dating.  Surely my prayers were being answered, weren't they?

So, here are some things that someone in this same situation may want to think about:

1.  When praying, should the prayer be about something I have already made up my mind to do?
2.  Should I pray that God's will be done or should I just ask that God bless my plans, wants, and desires?
3.  Do people change their behavior when dating?  How?  Why? 
4.  What should you expect of the other person when dating?
5.  What kinds of things should you talk about when dating?  What topics are off limits?
6.  Is it realistic to pray that God will bring a fellow believer into my life as a spouse?

If you are in need of prayer, here is one place to receive support:
Seeking Prayer
http://prayerwarriorsaz.web.officelive.com

Friday, January 1, 2010

A Journey Begins

I was raised by a mom who belivved that having her children in church was a good thing.  She was the daughter of a Baptist preacher in Oklahoma and she spent many days in church.  My dad was and still is a very private man.  He didn't go to church with us very often and he wasn't one to share his views about God or faith very easily.  He served in the Air Force and spent time in Vietnam.  To this day I think that there are a lot of things that are difficult for him to talk about.  Being the daughter of a military man, I have been blessed to live in a lot of different places.  I have been to church in Texas, Japan, England, Arizona, and Oklahoma.  I have experienced a lot of different denominations.  Sometimes we went to church on base and sometimes in the local commuinty.  One thing my mom tried to instill is that the building where we worship is just a building.  What matters most is that we continue to honor God.  I love my dad very much and we have a good relationship but as I grew into adulthood, I knew that I wanted to marry someone who would openly share my faith, attend church with me and raise our children in a home of shared faith and beliefs.  That isn't my story and I have met a lot of other people who had that same intention, only to have their lives and relationships turn out differently.  So, my goal here is to tell my story, the ups and downs, and encourage anyone with a similar story to stay the course and don't give up.